February 10, 2013

Gifts to avoid on Valentine's Day

Another Valentine’s Day is almost here and gentlemen, I urge you to be very careful.

We as men, of course, would not be apoplectic if our significant others forgot to honor this one special day — our undying love and devotion is, after all, spread equally among the year’s 365 days.

Unfortunately, it is my thoroughly sexist view that the ladies in our lives judge us unevenly based on our behavior on certain special occasions.

Forgetting Valentine’s Day altogether can be a deal breaker. Observing it improperly, however, can be similarly damaging.

Personally, I have tried a variety of different strategies. Gifts big and small; expensive and thrifty; lovingly handmade and bought from the trunk of a guy in the mall parking lot. Invariably I have failed, by every measure except for the widely debunked “it’s the thought that counts” grading scale.

It would be disingenuous for me to suggest what you should get your loved one as a Valentine’s gift. I clearly don’t know. What I can suggest, with complete confidence, is what you should NOT give the love of your life this Thursday.

Do not write your love a poem, pulled straight from your heart. Have you ever seen your wife sit down with a book of poetry? No. Because no one publishes books of poetry anymore, since no one reads poetry, not even poetry written by professional poets — which you most certainly are not. Your amateurish attempts to rhyme “roses are red” with “hair on your thighs” will not tickle her emotions.

Do not give your love surplus Christmas candy. Yes, I know the box is red and it was on sale, but if it’s in the shape of a reindeer, she is going to notice.

Do not give your love sexy underwear for yourself. Your wife already has to see you naked. A man-sized jungle thong is just going to make it worse.

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