December 30, 2012

Thinking of others with this year's resolutions


---- — The much anticipated Mayan apocalypse did not occur this past week, obviously, causing much jubilation among people who enjoy both Christmas and life itself.

Granted, there was some anger, mostly from my own children, whose gifts were purchased Christmas Eve at the Sunoco station.

Hey, brats, it’s the thought that counts. Brake fluid is useful, beef jerky is delicious, and that scratch ticket could have won you $1 million.

After a year that ended with promised devastation, however, I’m not quite ready to embrace a year that promises hope and renewal (and, OK, increased government gridlock).

I’m not prepared to make the annual New Year’s resolution sure to be broken. Instead, I’d like to offer helpful resolutions for others, should they choose to accept them.

For the modern Maya people: Resolve to get a new calendar. That kiosk at the mall has a 60 percent off sale on new ones. Might I suggest a classic Betty Boop or Shirtless Firemen of the Adirondacks or the 365 Cute Kittens Page-a-Day calendar?

For President Obama: Resolve to hold the line on the 2 percent — we rich folks can afford to pay a little bit more. And don’t let either of your daughters date that Justin Bieber character.

For the musician PSY: Save your money and enjoy the spotlight while it lasts. Dexy’s Midnight Runners say hello.

For my wife: Resolve to relax a little more often. Kick your feet up. Forget about all the work, forget about the mess your husband has made of the house. Take time to smell the roses, or smell the coffee, or smell the bacon, whichever you think would smell best at the moment.

For the National Rifle Association: A gun in every school is your answer to gun violence in schools? Resolve to get a better plan.

For my children: Resolve to submit to the draconian orders of your father, immediately, completely and without whining and/or pouting. Please? That would be awesome.

For Southwest Airlines — I’m just spitballing here, but the Plattsburgh airport is expanding, and your closest flights are way down there in Albany. If you’d like to tap into the lucrative Canadian market, and give us access to flights across the country, who loses?

For Ben Affleck: Resolve not to wear the ‘70s-era “Argo” beard to the Oscars. You might actually win, so look your best.

For Downton Abbey: Love the show, even the entire first season when I was convinced it was “Downtown” Abbey. Resolve to give poor Mr. Bates just a few moments of happiness, and then give us a full season spin-off of “Breaking Abbey” (search for that at Comedy Central’s Colbert Nation).

For the dog: Resolve to stay off the !$?%! couch. Yes, you’ve been winning the five-year battle of wills thus far, but I will not be denied.

For my editor: Stop expecting me to submit things on time, with, you know, proper spelling and grammar. It will save you stress.

For the Boston Red Sox: Resolve to spend your vast resources more wisely, building a team that could defeat the Plattsburgh Little League 9- and 10-year-old All-Stars at least six out of seven times.

For the cat: Resolve to stop stalking me with murder in your weirdly glowing eyes. Or maybe I’ll just leave a surprise hairball where YOU sleep.

For the University of Alabama football team: Please resolve to crush Notre Dame between your defensive ends, like a little green bug.

For Notre Dame football fans: Resolve to be a little less smug. Don’t give me that smirk, you know what I’m talking about. If Pittsburgh makes a chip shot field goal, you’d still be crying in your green beer right now.

For the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: Resolve to start preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse. Now!

For Santa Claus: Listen, you do a great job with the kids, but why don’t you resolve to do better with their parents? Slipper socks? If you can see everything, have you ever seen me wear slipper socks?

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