Counting on good behavior

By SUZANNE MOORE
Features Editor

May 03, 2008 04:00 am

— Cathy Buckley can get her kids' attention without a single word.
She raises one finger, then two ...
Olivia, 9, and Ian, 6, know three fingers mean time out.
Always.
"The whole concept of consistency in discipline is very important," said the Beekmantown mom.
Buckley uses a system called 1-2-3 Magic, developed by clinical psychologist Thomas Phelan and taught locally in workshops given at Childcare Coordinating Council of the North Country's Family Connections Resource Center.
It's a simple and commonsense approach to discipline that is easy to blend into the family dynamic, said center Coordinator Juliette Lynch, who teaches it and the follow-up program, More 1-2-3 Magic.
The counting technique takes the emotion out of discipline, she said.
"A lot of times the parent is talking too much, has too much emotion. They turn it into a big power struggle, and the child sees they're getting a reaction."
Buckley first watched the 1-2-3 Magic videos when Olivia was just 3 months old.
"I'm a planner," she laughed.
"My husband and I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page. Sometimes, you can have different parenting approaches to things."
And though she knew the technique works best starting at about age 3, she began counting to counter Olivia's baby misdeeds at about 15 months.
The toddler didn't quite understand yet, "but I wanted the process to be established," Buckley said.
The place for time out then was Mom's lap; later it became the children's bedrooms.
"The time out isn't supposed to be a painful experience," Buckley said. "It's an opportunity for them to redirect their emotions and calm down."
Time out, she said, is penalty without pain.
"They have a consequence. You don't need to make your children cry to learn a lesson."
Buckley found it took about two weeks for Olivia to really get the point when they began using 1-2-3 Magic in earnest on specific behaviors.
Some parents tell Lynch it just doesn't work, and usually, she says, it's because consistency is lacking.
And it takes time for a child who is accustomed to acting out to understanding the rules have changed.
"You might have an extinction burst, where the behaviors actually get worst before improving," Lynch said. "They're testing the waters."
She says 1-2-3 Magic works well, on the whole, even for youngsters with established behavior issues.
"They learn that there is an authority in the parent."
Children, she said, "yearn for these boundaries. They don't feel safe without them.
"They like structure, and they like knowing what's going to happen."
The technique's failure could indicate a child has mental-health issues, Lynch added, and an evaluation might be in order.
There's no magic that makes for perfectly behaved children.
Sometimes, said Buckley, her son and daughter squabble, make impulsive decisions.
"They're normal kids. But I think they're very well behaved."
She can count on that.
For information about 1-2-3 Magic classes, call Family Connections at 561-4999.