May 6, 2012

Expect obvious variety of summer flicks

The summer-movie season has grown to encompass a very loose definition of "summer." This year, that season began the first weekend of May, with the release of the blockbuster superhero epic "The Avengers."

This amorphous period is lucrative for movie theaters but confusing for consumers, who aren't sure which bombastic flicks are worth watching in expensive air-conditioned comfort.

I'd like to offer my preview of the summer-movie season. Sadly, Hollywood studios — still angry over a negative review for 2008's "Death Race" — refused to send me any promotional materials.

Not to worry, however. Using a complex algorithm based on past history and information secretly culled from your personal Facebook page, I can still offer a comprehensive look at the summer's biggest films, even without piddling details like plots, cast, release dates and movie titles.

That Sequel About the Superhero: No, not "The Avengers." That's like four sequels in one. This one is about the brooding superhero in the funny suit, you know, the one who had something bad happen when he was young but turned into an avenging crime fighter who is sometimes misunderstood.

That Remake of the Superhero Movie: Again, not "The Avengers." This one was a movie series that made a gazillion dollars, but the star got tired of the role/asked for too much money/was embarrassed by the last film. So, instead of making another sequel, the studio just got a new star and decided to start over.

That Adam Sandler movie: You know, the one where he acts like a man-child, does some flatulence-based jokes and learns a valuable lesson about life?

That Sequel to the Movie About a Child's Toy: There will be lots of guns, plenty of terrible dialogue and probably some aliens.

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