December 16, 2012

Extinction event on the way

After many years, many words and many angry phone calls, letters and emails, this will be my final column.

It’s not my choice, and I wish it could end differently, but, well, it is what it is.

This will also be the final Sunday paper that you will ever read. Make sure to savor that last Garfield comic strip.

Thanks a lot, ancient Mayan calendar makers.

Most of you probably know that Dec. 21 marks the end of the world. Certainly we’ve had our share of false starts and premature doomsaying in the past. Y2K, that California radio preacher, the crazy guy holding the sign in Times Square.

This time, however, we have the work of well-respected Maya scholars and mathematicians, who created a 5,125-year calendar that ends Friday.

Skeptics theorize that perhaps the calendar ends because the scholars felt that it didn’t make sense to schedule dental appointments any further than 5,000 years into the future. They wonder if the Maya people meant to extend the calendar, but let it slip after Samuel de Champlain and the rest of the Spanish conquistadors ravaged their lands.

All the skeptics have are lame theories, however. The Maya have cold, hard facts, facts that have been verified by NASA (Northeastern Alpaca Shearing Association). We know that an extinction event is coming; we just don’t know what form it will take.

Maybe our sun will go supernova and envelop the solar system in a fiery inferno. Or maybe the sun will turn into a black hole and suck the earth into it’s inescapable darkness.

Maybe it will be a fast-moving global pandemic, like the zombie apocalypse, but more deadly.

Maybe a comet or giant asteroid will strike the planet and tip it off its axis, causing an instant and deadly new ice age.

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