There was a time when I thought the most annoying thing in the world was live tech support from an overseas operator with a completely incomprehensible accent.

That, however, was before I was introduced to completely automated voice recognition tech support.

Combine them both and you have a nightmare that I like to refer to as my entire afternoon ...

"Thank you for calling ACME Internet Solutions. Your business is very important to us. Please speak clearly and state the nature of your problem. For instance, if you have spilled a cappuccino on your cable modem, please say 'I spilled a cappuccino on my cable modem.'"

"My Internet connection stopped working."

"You said 'an intern is collecting hot turkey.' If this is correct, please say, 'Continue.'"

"No, I said my Internet Connection Stopped Working. The Internet is down. I can't get online!"

"You said, 'The lichen met on time.' If this is correct, please say, 'Continue'"

"I ... can ... not ... get ... on ... line."

"If you cannot get online, please say, 'Continue.'"

"Continue."

"Excellent. There could be many reasons for your problem, most of which are clearly not the fault of ACME Internet Solutions and none of which we are legally liable for. We will help you nonetheless. Please turn your computer equipment off and then back on again. This is our most sacred technical trick and is successful 97 percent of the time. It doesn't matter how long this takes; we have all day. ... Did this fix your problem?"

"No."

"Have you tried swearing at your computer? Please try to humiliate it. Be degrading. If you do not know any swear words, please say 'obscenities' and one will be provided. ... Did this solve your problem?"

"No."

"Please pray to your God. Be polite but forceful. If you do not have a God, we will provide one for you. ... Did this solve your problem?"

"By the powers of Zeus, no."

"Have you thought about spending less time on the Internet? Perhaps hanging out with your family would be satisfying. Or we could recommend a good book. Please say 'light contemporary fiction' if you would ..."

"Can I speak to a human? Anyone? A janitor maybe?"

"Please hold for the next available customer representative. Your business is very important to us. The current wait time is 47 minutes. We hope that this interval is long enough for your Internet connection to fix itself."

"Fine, I'll wait."

"Hello. My name is ... Mary. I am being from ... Pittsburgh. Please repeating your computer brokenisms to myselfs so that I might assail you."

"My Internet connection stopped working. I just want to know if there's anything I can do or if the whole area is down."

"Yes, of course you are. First we will be asking you to power down your computer equipments ..."

"I've already done that. Fourteen times."

"May it please you to give me your name, address, phone numberings, account numberer, Social Security numbler, middle names of your childrens — if any — and coordinates of the closest electrical power substation?"

"But ... I gave that information to the computer voice already. Don't you two communicate?"

"I am sorry sir, but I am in ... Pittsburgh. I do not have axis to that informations."

"Can you just tell me if I'm the only one with this problem?"

"No sir. Are records are showing that there are being outages in your area. Services should be returning in one hours. Can I be helping you in any other way?"

"You could give me my afternoon ba ... um, no, great. Thanks for your ... help."

"You are welcome sir. Please be enjoying your Easter!"

"Um ... thanks. Happy Yom Kippur to you too."

E-mail Steve Ouellette at: ouellette1918@gmail.com