After nearly two decades, Indiana Jones returned to America's theaters last week, and people rejoiced.

Especially the people who own the theaters.

The shameless retread, a belated fourth in the series that will now likely stretch to 11 or 12 over the next 85 years, brought in roughly $8 gazillion in its first weekend alone. That serves as a clarion call for Hollywood: Stop trying to come up with new ideas. The old ones always do better.

After decades of trying to write that unique "next Citizen Kane" screenplay, I've given up the dream. The best I'd ever come up with anyway was the next "Porky's." The real money is in finding something old, dressing it up a little and sending it out there for a wide audience that hates all the bother of learning new characters and plots.

I've spent this entire week coming up with pitches to throw at the Hollywood producers. Surprisingly, many of the best and most popular films have already had sequels made (Did you realize there was more than one "Police Academy?"). Fortunately, I've been able to find a few classics that are ripe for a revival.

"Return to the Titanic" -- We only thought Leonardo DiCaprio's Jack plunged to his death in the icy water. Actually, he had his life spared by a cute red-haired mermaid named Ariel, and he's now living in the lost city of Atlantis. When a distraught Rose rows a boat to the spot of the tragic sinking and throws herself into the water, the pair is reunited. "I'm at the bottom of the world!" rejoices Jack. But who will he ultimately choose?

"Deliverance, Part Deux" -- Burt Reynolds ditches his toupee, recruits some new muscle -- Orlando Bloom, Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson and Hilary Swank -- loads up on explosive-tipped arrows, stun guns and nunchucks and returns to the forest to pay back the redneck hillbillies who done his friends wrong.

"Star Wars: The Saga Continues" -- Yeah, I know they already did those prequels; this series will pick up where the original one ends. Luke Skywalker (Keanu Reeves) is undergoing intensive therapy because of his father issues and lingering confusion over making out with his sister. Meanwhile, the new rebel government is faced with another powerful opponent -- the Borg collective. Harrison Ford's aging Han Solo tries to put the moves on Seven of Nine.

"It's a Really, Really Wonderful Life" -- The late Jimmy Stewart only has a cameo, as the star of the show is young daughter Zuzu, now 68 years old and facing foreclosure on her home, thanks to a predatory lender who didn't divulge the adjustable rate on her loan. Casting for her guardian angel hasn't been decided, but I'm thinking Bob Newhart.

"Still Groundhog Day" -- We let Bill Murray be funny again, sending him back to Punxsutawney, where "¦ er, we just play the original film over and over, but with new opening and closing credits.

"Some Like it Hotter" -- Jessica Simpson takes over the Marilyn Monroe role, with Will Smith as Tony Curtis and Jackie Chan as Jack Lemmon. Two cross-dressing rap musicians on the run from the Corleone family find love and kick butt in Boca Raton.

"Casablanca 2010" -- Through the magic of computer animation, Humphrey Bogart returns. It turns out that his gin joint had a time machine in the basement, and now, in 2010, he's still in his prime, and Ilsa's granddaughter (Jessica Biel) is a free agent "¦ if only those conniving Libertarians don't get in the way.

"Bismarck" -- The Oscar-winning Coen brothers return to North Dakota for a follow-up to "Fargo." Down-on-his-luck car salesman packs up his wood chipper and moves to the state capital, hoping to find new love with Internet dating.

"Showgirls: The Encore" -- No one ever thought to do a sequel to the critical and box office disaster but, well, I kind of just wanted to see Gina Gershon undress again. Sorry.

"North by Northwest by Southeast" -- I don't know "¦ something to do with Mount Rushmore, with Clive Owen as Cary Grant, Jennifer Lopez as his sassy love interest and a cameo appearance by director Ron Howard.