<a href="mailto:souellette@pressrepublican.com">By STEVE OUELLETTE</a>
You Had To Ask
April 13, 2008 05:29 am
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"Dad, Dad, do you think ghosts are real?" asked one of my sons. "How about aliens?"
"Dad, Dad, do you believe in monsters?" demanded the other.
I thought carefully about how I should answer. Should I tell them, with all the sincerity I could muster, that these are fictional creations, the product of overactive imaginations and science fiction writers -- thus giving them nights of restful sleep and keeping away visions of things that hide under their beds and go bump in the night? Or should I tell them the complete truth, as I know it?
Well, it's important to be truthful with one's children.
Sure, ghosts are real, I told them. They are doomed to haunt certain houses -- like ours -- for all eternity. They can float through walls, but they won't hurt you -- usually. They just make strange sounds during the night and occasionally freak you out with their icy touch. It's the friendly ghosts you have to watch out for -- all cheery and annoying, wanting to be pals. That's when you call the Ghostbusters.
Aliens? That one is easy. Everyone knows that aliens live among us. They've been here for millions of years -- building the pyramids, accidentally destroying the dinosaurs and rigging the 2004 presidential election in Ohio. Usually, you can recognize them by their three heads, green skin and antennae. Strangely enough, due to a navigational miscalculation, virtually all of the aliens landed in Mexico, and it has taken the best efforts of our secret Men in Black to keep them out of the United States.
As for monsters, I'm afraid those are real, too, and much more dangerous than ghosts. The small ones will hide under your bed and in your closet, waiting with their sharp fangs and long claws to terrify you. But when you flip on the light, they suddenly look like a pile of dirty clothes or the stuffed cat on your bureau.
Champy, the lake monster? He's no danger unless you're a trout, but he's very hard to see. Your best chance is finding a quiet spot on the wooded shore near Ticonderoga and drinking 12 Bud Lights in quick succession.
There is no boogeyman. There is, however, a boogerman.
Bigfoot, it's true, roamed the forests of North America for decades -- until he decided to give up a life of carefree poverty and give professional wrestling a try. After a few years of stardom, he died in the late '90s of complications from performance-enhancing drugs and Rogaine.
Sadly, vampires still roam the planet, but the soulless bloodsuckers are frequently disguised as oil company executives and lawyers. Contrary to legend, vampires can now go out in daylight, thanks to modern sunscreen technology.
As for the crazy stories about pig-men "¦ Yes, there are some "¦ "sturdy" eaters sidling up to the food trough at all-you-can-eat buffets, but the true pig men -- body of a man, face and snout of a pig, are the creation of legend, living on only in "Seinfeld" reruns.
Werewolves on the other hand, are still a problem every full moon. Understand that there are mild cases, which involve a little howling, some unwanted body hair and madd basketball skills (see "Teen Wolf"). Bad cases will cause the infected to eat human flesh, run for political office, yada, yada, yada. Oh, if you're ever infected, don't play with grandma's good silverware.
Have you ever heard of vegans? They look almost like you or me, but their ways are strange and frightening. Tie a juicy slab of prime rib around your neck and they will stay away.
Mummies? If you unwind them, there's a chewy chocolate center.
You may have heard of street mimes -- the diabolical creatures have been wiped from our country, much like polio. In certain foreign countries, however (we're looking at you, France), they still wander free, eating souls until authorities can trap them in imaginary glass boxes.
Velociraptors, the scourge of "Jurassic Park," are sharp-toothed pack dinosaurs that haven't roamed the planet in millions of years. T-Rex, however, can be found in certain remote forests and can devour a boy in one bite.
The devil? Well, tell me, have you done something bad?
Leprechauns used to give me nightmares. They're usually portrayed as devious, independently-wealthy little sprite-like beings -- except for the occasional crazed killer. Over the years, their numbers have dwindled; however, their gold has mostly been lost or squandered, and the few remaining leprechauns have imbibed so much green beer that they're rarely in any condition to do serious mischief.
Flying monkeys? If there is a God in heaven, these horrific beasts can't possibly exist. Please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please "¦
Have you heard of IRS auditors? They're strange, mild-mannered humanoid creatures who will ruin your lives. You might think you can outwit them, but they will beat you down with their calculators and slide rules and complex paperwork.
Finally, zombies are another nightmarish concern. They most likely won't flourish until some kind of nuclear cataclysm throws radiation into the atmosphere, thus rousing the dead. As long as we can avoid senseless wars, we should "¦ um. Well, if ever attacked by a zombie, protect your brain. They want the juicy stuff on the inside of your skull. And if you happen to be turned into a zombie, same advice. Protect the head and you can continue to be animated over and over again. Please try not to feed on your mother and me.
Anyway, that's how I explained the scary things to my kids. You have to make your own choice. I'm just thankful that they didn't ask me if Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy are real.
ouellette1918@gmail.com
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