November 18, 2012

Lots of misconceptions about atheism


If President Obama’s foes had spread the rumor that he was an atheist, not a Muslim, Ann Romney would be picking out drapes for the White House living room right now.

It’s hard to say exactly how many atheists there are in the United States, but a good estimate is about 15 million people. A significant percentage of whom are not ax murderers, dognappers, tax cheats, prostitutes, computer hackers, drug addicts and/or lawyers.

In an effort to bring everyone together and clear the air, I thought I would address some questions and common misconceptions about atheists.

No, I am not, nor have I ever been, a communist. I do like the color red.

Yes, I still celebrate Christmas. Presents and warm family moments are cool.

No, we do not have meetings. At least none that I’ve been invited to. I really wish we could get a clubhouse of some sort, with a big-screen TV and an air hockey table — which could double as an altar on which we sacrifice innocent victims. If we ever did that sort of thing, which we definitely don’t.

Yes, technically, it’s legal for atheists to marry, not just to each other, but also to Christians.

It is, however, difficult to get competent clergyman to perform the ceremonies. Trust me on that account. In pre-marriage counseling, the minister who was to perform my wedding actually consigned me to hell. And we still hired him.

No, we do not have a supreme leader. There is some fear that if we had an election, not even fellow atheists would vote for an atheist, and that would be embarrassing.

Yes, I do have a moral code. I try to tell the truth, protect my children, follow the law, help those in need whenever I can. I follow almost all of the 10 Commandments, except for the one about the Sabbath, and the one about using the Lord’s name in vain (which is broken every time I watch football on the Sabbath).

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