May 20, 2012

No, your baby is not adorable


Am I the only one who feels like this? I see the rest of you, and whenever someone pulls up a stroller with drooling, gurgling human spawn in it, you all begin to "ooooo" and "ahhhhhh" as if the infant was some sort of tiny fireworks display.

Meanwhile, all I can think is "I hope it doesn't touch me."

Do you honestly find the baby adorable? Is this a genetic self-defense mechanism bred into us to make sure that we care for the tiny beings? If so, it missed me.

Is it simply that other adults fear that their own future infants will be deemed grotesque by onlookers, thus they form an unspoken agreement — we'll fawn over yours if you fawn over ours?

Is this an emperor-has-no-clothes situation, where no one is brave enough to admit that the baby has no redeeming physical characteristics? Joyce thinks the baby is beautiful, and Fred thinks the baby is beautiful … If I don't think the baby is beautiful, then I must be crazy. Must not let them see the crazy.

Now that I have taken that first step, perhaps now everyone will feel free to admit, "Man, I thought it was some kind of alien. It makes my eyes burn." It's not crazy.

If it is just me, I've now guaranteed that mothers everywhere will pelt me with Similac and Pampers wherever I go. I've probably also ensured that friends with children will never invite us over again.

Well, at least I won't have to see their frightful babies again.

While I'm on the topic, is now a good time to mention that, no, I don't think pregnant women "glow"? Also, yes, I think those pants do make you look fat ...

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