May 20, 2012

No, your baby is not adorable

In good conscience, I can no longer do this.

For years, I've played along like everyone else. I've smiled broadly and lied through my teeth. I've subjugated my true feelings and said what was expected of me. But no longer.

No ma'am, I do not think your baby is adorable.

It's chubby, hairless, wrinkled, toothless. It smells funny, and terrible stuff flows from nearly every orifice. That does not qualify as "cute," no matter what kind of stylish onesie you dress it up in. Frankly, it doesn't look human, and it scares me more than just a little bit.

There. I've said it.

I acknowledge that babies are vital for the preservation of our species, but let's be honest here. Physically, they're hideous-looking creatures. Yes, lady, yours in particular.

If you want an example of adorable, look at kittens. Diabolically cute, even right after birth. Or how about puppies? A puppy of almost any breed can make me giggle like a schoolgirl with its unfettered adorableness.

It's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault. No human can compete. Scarlett Johansson was an ugly baby. She got better. Brad Pitt was hideous. He turned out OK.

I had two infants of my own, and frankly I couldn't stand to look at either one of them for the first year or so. I've seen my own baby pictures, and I'm a little surprised my parents didn't just leave me to the wolves.

I'm not saying that we should abandon our babies. They should be given all the love and care that we can possibly muster. It wouldn't hurt, though, to keep them inside for a few months, until they start to look human. Maybe put that camera down, too, and not take so many pictures?

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