Press-Republican

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October 7, 2012

Bacon the lifeblood of America

(Continued)

This will allow me and my family to beat you to every grocery store in town and buy out every bacon product in sight.

We will stockpile nothing but bacon, freezing what we can, canning it, freeze-drying it, turning it into bacon bits, bacon jerky. We will collect jugs of bacon grease to be used for cooking, flavor and, on special occasions, bathing.

The rest of you are on your own. You may have to turn to the black market, or pay premium prices at the bacon speakeasies that are sure to pop up, promising real bacon but delivering meat from whatever four-legged animal they can catch in the Adirondacks.

You could try to cross the border and get some bacon from our Canadian neighbors, but surprise, that’s really just a round piece of ham. Ham!

Of course even bacon’s lesser cousins — ham, pork rinds, Spam — will be hard to find.

The desperate among you may even turn to bacon-shaped options like the turkey bacon your healthy aunt Ellen thinks tastes “just the same.” I hope and pray that none of you ever reach the point that tofu bacon becomes a real option.

Some of you may decide to simply raise your own sow, ensuring a pen full of bacon in the backyard whenever emergency strikes. Under the circumstances, I’m sure the city will give you a waiver.

I also ask that you join me by vowing to stop eating corn until this crisis is over. Please, farmers, take all our corn and give it to the pigs instead — magically turning maize into bacon.

Dark days are ahead, but if we work together, the bacon riots can be avoided.

Email Steve Ouellette: ouellette1918@gmail.com

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