Press-Republican

Columns

July 13, 2014

Apocalypse faceoff

The film “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes” opened this weekend, the latest in a long line of “Planet of the Apes” films that began in 1968.

I haven’t seen this one yet, but the original gave me the most vivid nightmares of my childhood, and I’ve seen every other sequel, prequel and remake, plus every episode of the short-lived TV series, so I feel pretty sure that I know what’s coming.

Smart and strong apes will continue their inexorable rise to the top of the food chain, which will eventually all but end the human race; essentially, the Monkey Apocalypse.

(Yes, I know, apes and monkeys are different, but Monkey Apocalypse sounds funnier than Ape Apocalypse.)

This follows a growing doomsday theme in American literature, film and television. When apes aren’t putting us down, there’s the Zombie Apocalypse to worry about. If that wasn’t enough, there’s the Robot Apocalypse, where our own computers turn on us, and, of course, the Alien Apocalypse, where a distant race of malevolent creatures overcomes our planet with their superior weapons and intellect.

Pop culture also includes numerous instances of the Vampire Apocalypse (thumbs up to the book “The Passage”), while humanity has also been devastated by the Giant Asteroid Apocalypse, the Nuclear Apocalypse, the Deadly Germ Apocalypse and the Slow-Moving Plant Apocalypse (thanks, “Day of the Triffids”).

Essentially, humankind is doomed; it’s merely a question of how. As a human, I’ve got a stake in this, and I’ve been wondering a lot about it lately. Which apocalypse is more likely? Which would be the most agonizing?

More interestingly, if the various purveyors of human destruction somehow collided — via an unexplained rift between alternate universes —and faced off in an earth-sized arena, who would come out on top?

Text Only | Photo Reprints
Columns
  • ken_wibecan.jpg Another day in the life

    Each morning I rise from bed, slowly, as is my habit, and sit quietly on the bed contemplating the day that looms before me, writes columnist Ken Wibecan.

    August 19, 2014 1 Photo

  • PPR small talk mug 081714 Corner store is no more

    Columnist Gordie Little offers a reminder of the little grocery stores of days gone by.

    August 17, 2014 1 Photo

  • PPR skin deep mug 081714 High-end products worth the splurge

    Regardless of the price, writes columnist Felicia Krieg, she would buy the core group of her makeup products over and over again.

    August 17, 2014 2 Photos

  • paul_grasso.jpg Tax code needs overhaul

    Corporations may be criticized for exploiting loopholes, but it is the complex tax system that is at fault, according to columnist Paul Grasso.

    August 17, 2014 1 Photo

  • Hagar_mug1.jpg Ideas about soil health changing

    New techniques like no-til and cover crops can make soil healthier than conventional tillage, according to columnist Peter Hagar.

    August 17, 2014 1 Photo

  • colin_read.jpg Economy may have changed forever

    The Great Recession has reordered the workforce in a way that makes it unlikely it will ever be the same, according to columnist Colin Read.

    August 17, 2014 1 Photo

  • Terry_Mattingly.jpg The dark side of fun funerals

    Something strange happened in American culture in the past decade or two: People started planning fun funerals, writes religion columnist Terry Mattingly.

    August 15, 2014 1 Photo

  • PPR fit bits mug Developing power key to success

    While strength is important, the ability to generate power is required for many basic activities in life, writes columnist Ted Santaniello.

    August 12, 2014 1 Photo

  • PPR you had to ask mug 081014 Time to reel in youth sports parents

    Do not scream at a child that he's a loser, at least not in a language he understands, columnist Steve Ouellette writes.

    August 10, 2014 1 Photo

  • colin_read.jpg Treating corporations like people

    Problems arise in many areas when businesses take on the attributes of individuals as mandated by the court, according to columnist Colin Read.

    August 10, 2014 1 Photo

Peter Black: Canadian Dispatch

Lois Clermont, Editor

Cornell Cooperative Extension

Richard Gast: Cornell Ag Extension

Bob Grady

Guest Columns

Peter Hagar: Cornell Ag Connection

Health Advice
Ray Johnson: Climate Science
Gordie Little: Small Talk
Terry Mattingly: On Religion

Steve Ouellette: You Had To Ask

Colin Read: Everybody's Business

Pinch of Time