May 6, 2012

Expect obvious variety of summer flicks


---- — The summer-movie season has grown to encompass a very loose definition of "summer." This year, that season began the first weekend of May, with the release of the blockbuster superhero epic "The Avengers."

This amorphous period is lucrative for movie theaters but confusing for consumers, who aren't sure which bombastic flicks are worth watching in expensive air-conditioned comfort.

I'd like to offer my preview of the summer-movie season. Sadly, Hollywood studios — still angry over a negative review for 2008's "Death Race" — refused to send me any promotional materials.

Not to worry, however. Using a complex algorithm based on past history and information secretly culled from your personal Facebook page, I can still offer a comprehensive look at the summer's biggest films, even without piddling details like plots, cast, release dates and movie titles.

That Sequel About the Superhero: No, not "The Avengers." That's like four sequels in one. This one is about the brooding superhero in the funny suit, you know, the one who had something bad happen when he was young but turned into an avenging crime fighter who is sometimes misunderstood.

That Remake of the Superhero Movie: Again, not "The Avengers." This one was a movie series that made a gazillion dollars, but the star got tired of the role/asked for too much money/was embarrassed by the last film. So, instead of making another sequel, the studio just got a new star and decided to start over.

That Adam Sandler movie: You know, the one where he acts like a man-child, does some flatulence-based jokes and learns a valuable lesson about life?

That Sequel to the Movie About a Child's Toy: There will be lots of guns, plenty of terrible dialogue and probably some aliens.

That Board Game Turned Into a Movie: The one that borrows the title from a simple, beloved game of our youth, then mixes in some cardboard characters and special effects. "Scrabble?" To be safe, there might be some aliens added, too.

That Quirky Wes Anderson Film: You know, the one that stars Bill Murray and sounds a lot funnier in theory than it actually is in real life.

That Weird Tim Burton Movie: You know, the one where Johnny Depp wears some crazy makeup and speaks with kind of a creepy accent?

That Controversial Sacha Baron Cohen Movie: You know, the one where he acts like a foreigner, speaks in an outrageous accent and makes other people very uncomfortable.

That Will Smith movie on the Fourth of July: The one where he tangles with some nasty aliens and snaps off clever catch phrases, in a hip and breezy manner. Whaddya mean there's no Will Smith on the Fourth? No, I didn't know that "Memorial Day is the new Independence Day." Whatever.

That Scary Movie With the Shaky Camera: Made by someone who had something to do with "Paranormal Activity." People will be spooked in documentary fashion and then die, one by one, but the survivors continue to videotape, because they think it will make a cool YouTube video some day.

That Movie Based on the Book that Only Women Have Read: It's a really good book, full of feelings and emotions and childbirth and other things that only women understand.

That Fairy Tale Movie: The one where they take a beloved children's fable, throw in some well-known actors and give the story a surprising twist — and also make the heroine an acrobatic killing machine.

That Sequel to the Animated Movie With the Talking Animals: Not sure what the animals are — hedgehogs, wildebeests, weevils … but much hilarity, and another sequel, will follow.

That Woody Allen Movie: The one set in Europe with a big-name cast, involving a mildly amusing romance and a lot of jazz music.

That Broadway Musical Brought to the Big Screen: The one where the A-list actor gets a chance to belt out some tunes. I always wondered if he/she could sing.

That Killer Fish Movie: Not sure what kind of fish; could be angry bass. It will, of course, be in 3-D, and women in bikinis will have their limbs ripped off by sharp teeth.

That Meryl Streep Movie: The one that will be fabulously acted, nominated for awards and seen by virtually no one.

That Science Fiction Prequel: You know, that really cool series of films that sort of petered out at the end, but now it's been a bunch of years, so someone thought it would be lucrative to go back and do a movie set in a time before all the craziness started.

That Remake of a Classic Science Fiction Film: No, there wasn't anything wrong with the original, but it's so much easier to copy a good idea than come up with a new one.

That Movie Where Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and/or Arnold Schwarzenegger Shoot a Lot of People: Guess that says it all.

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