December 16, 2012

Extinction event on the way


Maybe the $10 billion European particle accelerator will erupt in a cataclysmic reaction after accidentally mixing matter with antimatter. Scotty on Star Trek always thought that would be a bad idea.

Maybe the Maya — after traveling to a distant planet from their pyramid-based teleportation devices more than a thousand years ago — will return to disintegrate the Earth with their new alien-hybrid technology.

Hey, the planet’s had a good run. Four billion or so years. Now it’s time to go.

I don’t want to see any of you panicking. There’s nothing you can do to stop it. Bruce Willis isn’t going to fly into outer space and save you at the last second.

Please don’t run out to the store to stock up on supplies. Canned goods and an extra five gallons of fresh water won’t buy you any more time, and you’ll just make the checkout lines longer for those shoppers planning fancy last meals.

If you’ve been stockpiling Twinkies, take them out. Now is the time to savor their chemically infused creamy goodness. If you’ve got any left over, please send me them to me; I haven’t been able to find one anywhere, and it’s literally killing me.

Stop worrying about things. Don’t worry about getting a late fee if you don’t send in your credit-card payment. Don’t worry about paying your taxes or that insurance bill. Don’t worry about the extra calories on that pie a la mode.

Don’t worry about Christmas shopping — but promise your children three of whatever they want.

If you always wanted to buy a boat, go ahead, take out that loan. The boat could give you an extra few minutes if the apocalypse turns out to be flood-based.

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