February 10, 2013

Gifts to avoid on Valentine's Day


Do not give your love sexy underwear for her. This is really just for you, and she knows it.

Do not give your love a copy of the mixtape that you gave to your high-school girlfriend on prom night. Yes, yes, I know there’s timeless meaning in the words of Air Supply. Sure, that Journey magic has worked before. Just don’t do it.

Do not give your love sugar-free chocolate. Instead, why don’t you just give her a card saying “Honey, don’t you think it’s about time you started that diet?” Hey, why not toss in a gym membership and a Thighmaster?

Do not give your love a kitten. Yes, I’m sure it’s very cute and she really wanted one … and soon, she will love it more than she loves you.

Do not give your love a baby. I suspect that the birth rate on Nov. 14 every year is significantly higher than on other days. Please be careful.

Do not give your love a box of wine. A tasteful bottle of a good vintage might not be a bad idea. A whole box says you think she’s a lush.

Do not give your love a buy-one-get-one-free taco. Not even if you give her both tacos.

Do not give your love a single black rose. A single red rose can be considered romantic (or on Valentine’s Day, cheap). A pink rose is OK; a white rose is fine; a yellow rose might be best saved for your mom or your sister. A black rose means “I better get a restraining order.”

Do not give your love a handmade card. Going to the trouble of making your own card with a crayon and paste just says you couldn’t go to the trouble of stopping at a store for a real card.

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