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Columns

December 30, 2012

Thinking of others with this year's resolutions

The much anticipated Mayan apocalypse did not occur this past week, obviously, causing much jubilation among people who enjoy both Christmas and life itself.

Granted, there was some anger, mostly from my own children, whose gifts were purchased Christmas Eve at the Sunoco station.

Hey, brats, it’s the thought that counts. Brake fluid is useful, beef jerky is delicious, and that scratch ticket could have won you $1 million.

After a year that ended with promised devastation, however, I’m not quite ready to embrace a year that promises hope and renewal (and, OK, increased government gridlock).

I’m not prepared to make the annual New Year’s resolution sure to be broken. Instead, I’d like to offer helpful resolutions for others, should they choose to accept them.

For the modern Maya people: Resolve to get a new calendar. That kiosk at the mall has a 60 percent off sale on new ones. Might I suggest a classic Betty Boop or Shirtless Firemen of the Adirondacks or the 365 Cute Kittens Page-a-Day calendar?

For President Obama: Resolve to hold the line on the 2 percent — we rich folks can afford to pay a little bit more. And don’t let either of your daughters date that Justin Bieber character.

For the musician PSY: Save your money and enjoy the spotlight while it lasts. Dexy’s Midnight Runners say hello.

For my wife: Resolve to relax a little more often. Kick your feet up. Forget about all the work, forget about the mess your husband has made of the house. Take time to smell the roses, or smell the coffee, or smell the bacon, whichever you think would smell best at the moment.

For the National Rifle Association: A gun in every school is your answer to gun violence in schools? Resolve to get a better plan.

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