Press-Republican

Columns

June 3, 2012

Make ends meet by breaking rules, padding pockets

(Continued)

Anyone who has ever taken a long car trip on business has no doubt been presented with this curious fact: It costs the company less money to rent a car and buy your gas than it does to let you use your car and be reimbursed for the miles.

Use this logic on your boss, then take it the next logical step: If he paid to rent you a car all the time, he’d save even more money.

I also suggest heavily padding your office-supply requests. Your boss has no stinking idea how many paper clips you actually use, or why you would still be ordering a case of Wite-Out for use on your computer each fiscal quarter. Need a realistic-looking receipt? Look for www.Honest-I-really-needed-a-gross-of-staples.org.

If you travel for work — outside the prying eyes of coworkers and management — you’ve struck gold.

Sleep in your car and eat from a giant bag of pork rinds, but fill out generous meal charges from fancy restaurants (Iforgotmyre

ceipt_wink_wink.com). Realize that your company probably won’t blink an eye at Holiday Inn level expenses, but Ritz-Carlton level expenses will send up the red flags that could sink you. Be reasonable in your fabrications.

If you can arrange to do your work via teleconference, you can actually charge your office for nights that you spent at home. That alone could pay for a whole month’s mortgage. Almost forgot the receipt: I-swear-that-I-stayed-here-for-real.gov.

One excellent way to pad your expense report without interfering with your daily routine is to simply consider your wife as a Japanese businessman, for accounting purposes.

Take your wife to dinner? That’s dinner trying to woo the Japanese businessman as a new client. Wife getting a pedicure? That’s treating your potential client to “traditional Asian foot treatment.”

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