Press-Republican

Columns

June 3, 2012

Make ends meet by breaking rules, padding pockets

Chances are, the tight-fisted overlords who run your company haven’t given you a raise in ages and have no plans to give you one any time in the near future.

Your boss is putting a second pool in his backyard for the servants and buying a new eco-friendly electric sports car to keep in the glove compartment of his stretch Hummer limousine.

Meanwhile, you are paying a higher percentage of your health insurance, you’ve lost your pension plan, and when you get to the checkout line you fret over whether you can afford the full dozen eggs.

With family finances so tight, how are you supposed to make ends meet and make your boss give you what you deserve?

Simple. The time-honored tradition of padding your expense report. It’s more lucrative and time-saving than getting a second job, and it’s less dangerous than robbing banks.

A higher standard of living is just a little creative paperwork away. Remember that almost anything can be expensed if you’re clever enough — and if you trust that the accounting people are doing the same thing to their own expense reports and don’t want to make any waves.

The easiest way to pad your report is with mileage. Companies are required to reimburse you for every mile you drive on company business. If you add five extra miles here, seven miles there, it adds up. Prepare to use the phrase “I had to take a necessary detour.”

Throw in an occasional imaginary, but completely necessary, trip to Quebec City to pick up a Franco-Prussian omni-dicing mega-widget that was totally needed to fix the fax machine, and you’ve got groceries for a couple of weeks.

Don’t forget to add in the tolls that you had to pay on your imaginary drive. No doubt you will be required to submit a receipt — which can easily be printed out for any highway/bridge/turnpike in the world at www.fake_tolls_inc.com.

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