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Columns

October 16, 2011

Zombies win every time

The television show "The Walking Dead" returns to the air tonight. Unquestionably the greatest zombie show ever — surpassing even the final two seasons of "The Waltons" — "The Walking Dead" may have been the best show of any type in 2010.

To celebrate the show's reanimation, I want to revisit an argument I had with certain "Twilight"-loving friends of mine: Which is the better, zombies or vampires?

It's not even close. Let me count the ways.

Zombies don't hide their true identity. What you see is what you get. They're not mysterious businessmen. They're not mysterious new students at night school. They're not mysterious members of the Romanian royal family.

Zombies are a menace at all hours of the day. During a zombie apocalypse, you can't go out to the mailbox in the morning or take the dog for an afternoon walk or grill an early dinner on the patio without risking death and dismemberment. You want to avoid a vampire? Go anywhere in the world during the light of day; lock your door at night. Easy.

A zombie will never use his brooding charm and timeless good looks to steal your wife or girlfriend. He might devour her entrails, sure, but there will be no hanky panky.

No zombie has ever become a teen idol.

Most zombies shuffle slowly. Some run at high speed. No zombies, however, ever turn into a bat and fly. That would be cheating, and completely unfair.

Vampires are prone to angst-ridden stretches of despair over their desire for human blood and the loved ones they've killed. It's tiresome. Zombies know what they want, know what they need, and they go for it. Simple and straightforward.

A zombie uses every part of the victim, much as the Plains Indians used every part of the noble buffalo. A vampire sucks the blood and leaves the rest of the corpse to rot; a terrible waste of nourishing flesh.

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