Hey, look at me! Psst. Yeah, over here.

I'm an undecided voter. I swear.

Our country is in the midst of a wild, contentious and insanely important presidential campaign. It fills the news reports and the talk shows, and every day, poll after poll after poll tells us what America -- broken down by race, sex, age, education, geographical location and beer consumption (I'm looking at you, Joe Sixpack) -- is thinking.

Millions of people are being asked to share their opinions, be they incisive, indecisive, ignorant or just plain loopy. Not once in this seemingly endless campaign, however, have I been surveyed.

I have three working phones, but no phone calls. High-speed Internet access, but no e-mail questions. I hang around, almost creepily, at the mall, looking for someone with a clipboard, but to no avail. I haven't been in a single focus group. CNN hasn't thrown me in a glass room, given me a debate-o-meter and hooked me up to truth-determining electrodes.

I am obsessed with this election, but no one will ask me about it.

I figure the problem is that the pollsters believe that I long ago sold my soul to Ralph Nader -- what a maverick -- and they apparently only want undecided voters. People who haven't made up their minds.

That's me, I promise. I've denounced all party affiliation. My mind is a blank slate. I am malleable. I can be easily swayed.

Look, Sarah Palin winked at me -- she winked, right at ME! I may just melt. But Al Gore tells me that if we don't elect Barack Obama, the polar ice caps will melt. Hmmm.

Democratic operatives won't know whether or not they should register me to vote and volunteer to give me a lift to the polls on Election Day. Republican operatives won't know whether or not they should challenge my nationality/home-address/arrest record to suppress my vote.

I know, I've lived in a traditionally blue state, but that's been fixed. I've moved out of New York and established residency in New Hampshire "¦ and Florida, Ohio, Virginia, Nevada and Puerto Rico.

Once word gets out, I imagine I'll become quite popular.

Every day, there will be new polls of registered, likely, independent and undecided voters, and I fill every one of those categories. My phone will be ringing off the hook. Someone will be at the door 12 or 13 times a day. As the final three weeks wind down, more and more people will settle on one candidate or another, but I vow to remain puzzled and strangely neutral.

No one will know what issue or statement or idea or attack ad or choice of power tie will ultimately sway me.

As one of only a handful of true undecideds, I'll be called for interviews by Larry King, David Letterman, Stephen Colbert. You'd better believe I'll be ready for Katie Couric's withering zinger questions.