Q: For years, my son has been hounding me to take my money out of a savings account and put it into the stock market for long-term growth. Well, I finally listened to him and put my retirement savings into Washington Mutual stock. What should I do now?

A: You were going to get bored with retired life, anyway. What better way to spend your golden years than salting fries at McDonald's?

Q: I've got a $37,412.38 balance on my Visa card, and I've been making the minimum payment of $11 each month. If my bank goes bankrupt, does that mean I'm off the hook? I just wanna know before I buy a boat with my Discover Card.

A: Someone -- possibly a bounty hunter -- will still demand payment. But you're never going to pay that debt off anyway, so go invigorate the economy by buying that boat.

Q: At what point does it make financial sense to burn money for heat?

A: If the price of heating fuel goes up another 64 cents per gallon, it will actually make financial sense to burn stacks of one-dollar bills to heat your home. Please do not burn tens and twenties.

Q: President Mbuti of Nigeria says he needs to transfer $700 billion to my personal bank account, just for a few hours, and he'll pay me five percent of that for my trouble. Should I give him my account information?

A: President Mbuti is an honorable man. But just to be safe, give me the account information, and I'll forward it to him.

Q: I have a son and a daughter who I love dearly, but I'd like to sell one of them to make some quick capital and defray future costs. Which one should I get rid of?

A: It's really a personal decision. If your son is sturdily built, you may want to keep him to work in the fields when we enter the new upcoming stone age. If your daughter has strong teeth and delicate features, you may want to keep her so she can be married into a wealthy family and bring back a large dowry.

Q: Hey, can you loan me a few bucks? I'm a little bit short.

A: Sorry, man, I haven't even seen any money from this question-answering gig.

You guys are going to pay me, right? Right?

ouellette1918@gmail.com