I knew it would happen some day. After many years of writing this column, I knew one day I would run out of topics. It happened today.

I've told you about all the dumb things I've done and shared all the household tips I know.

I'm afraid all I can do today is share some humor.

OVER THE HILL

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. Attached to the back was a hand-printed sign: "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

A young man decided to buy his wife a cell phone. She was all excited; she loved her phone. The next day she went shopping. Her phone rang and her husband asked, "How do you like your new phone?" she replied. "I just love it -- it's so small, and your voice is clear as a bell. But there's one thing I don't understand, though. How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

You know you're over the hill when:

You're finally old enough to hide your own Easter eggs, but you forget where you put them.

When you bend over to tie your shoes, and you think about what else you can do while you're down there.

You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. -- Carrie Snow

"When I told my doctor that I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch up my X rays." -- Henny Youngman

CARLIN QUIPS

George Carlin was the master of one-liners: