During the hot summer months, Americans tend to flock to the air-conditioned refuge of their local movie theaters.

With the butt-kicking Fourth of July appearance by Will Smith out of the way, it seems a good time to discuss what exactly makes a film a summer blockbuster.

A blockbuster, of course, is a movie that makes lots of money. To do this in the summer, the movie doesn't necessarily have to be good, it just has to be "¦ big. Larger than life. Easy to digest with a brain overly strained by 90-degree temperatures.

Creating these money-making cinematic landmarks is a painstaking process involving all the ingenuity the greatest minds of our generation can muster. Only rare films of historic quality can earn the title of summer "¦ aw, let's just make one of our own.

First we need an idea. Anyone out there have an original idea? Anyone? Bueller? Right. OK, we need to take someone else's idea, from a book, song, canceled TV show, campaign slogan, lame "Saturday Night Live" skit, old family recipe. Have any of you read a book lately?

Yes, the Bible counts as a book, but I think it's too long to film. We'd have to cut out stuff, and Mel Gibson would kill us. Besides, it's Hollywood; maybe we should do something with Scientology. Oh, right, "Battlefield Earth."

No, nothing that Oprah recommended. Tear-jerking chick flicks are more of a winter/spring thing. You looked at Roget's Thesaurus today? So? Isn't that a little dull, I mean, boring, bland, drab, lackluster, aseptic, lifeless? Hmmm, does have a wide market penetration. College kids use it, at least online, which gives us multimedia possibilities. We're not tied down to a specific plot or characters.

We'll have to lose "Roget" from the title. Sounds French. And "Thesaurus" sounds too academic. We can change it to "Thesaurica." That sounds like it might have dinosaurs in a mystical land. Good. Make it "Thesaurica II" so people think they've seen it before and it was so good we had to make another. But it needs something more: "Thesaurica II: Flaming Death of the Terrorists!"

Now we need a plot, a story. No, wait, we need some stars. OK, we'll get Will Smith -- that's a given. He'll be our cool, wisecracking hero with an attitude but a heart of gold. Make sure he has lots of guns, maybe a harpoon. Don't forget the jet pack.

We'll need some comic relief, too. A sidekick. Should be a short Caucasian, for contrast. Danny Devito, Joe Pesci, Steve Zahn, Tom Cruise, Pee Wee Herman, Ed Koch -- wait, how about that guy from the "I'm a PC, I'm an Apple" commercials? The PC guy would be perfect; everyone knows those ads.

Now we need a female lead who is willing to do partial nudity. Meryl Streep? No, too old. Besides, this is a summer blockbuster; if you earn any kind of Academy Award nomination -- except for special effects -- you've done something wrong.

Miley Cyrus? Too young. Wait. She can play the adopted daughter, or better yet, the adopted twins of the hero; one is evil, one is good. One wears glasses, the other writes songs. Perfect. We'll kill in the 6-to-14 demo.

Let's try Jessica Biel for the girlfriend. Make sure we have at least three bathing suit scenes, one steamy shower moment, and does anyone know how small we can make a thong and still get a PG-13 rating? Can we at least put it on the poster?

No full frontal nudity because that would give us an R rating, and we need a PG-13. Grown-ups won't watch a G movie (unless Pixar makes it), and PG is second class -- G with poop jokes. An R rating eliminates members of the youth audience who have responsible parents. With PG-13, we can use certain swears, including four or five F-bombs (if they're used in a comic manner). Decapitations are fine, as long as we use 2 1/2 or fewer quarts of blood. Genocide is also fine, as long as the victims are all of legal age.

We have to make sure our stars are extremely overpaid and that we don't cut corners -- the frosted penguin entrails must be freshly imported from the South Pole each day -- anywhere. We've got to spend at least $200 million making this thing or the industry won't think we're serious.